FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN
The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven..
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed,
and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.
St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest,
it is certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast,
and we have been administering
an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to
pass it before you can get into Heaven.'
Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St.. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever told me about any entrance
exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard.
Life was a big enough test
as it was.'
St.. Peter continued, 'Yes, I
know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.
What two days of the week
begin with the letter T?
How many seconds are there in a year?
What is God's first name?'
Forrest leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and
says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers.'
Forrest replied, 'Well, the
first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'?
Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today and Tomorrow..'
The Saint's eyes opened wide and
he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do
have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit
for that answer. How about the next one?' asked St. Peter.
'How many seconds in a year?
Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about
that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.'
Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve?
Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds
in a year?'
Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's
got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd... '
'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter.
'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point,
though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give
you credit for that one, too.
Let us go on with the third and final question.
Can you tell me God's first name'?
'Sure,' Forrest replied,
'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated
and frustrated St Peter.
'Ok, I can understand how you
came up with your answers to my first two questions,
but just how in the
world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?'
'Shucks, that was the easiest
one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song,
ANDY WALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TALKS WITH ME,
ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.'
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates,
and said: 'Run, Forrest, run.'
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Father O'Malley answers the phone.
'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'
'This is the IRS. Can you help us?'
'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'
'Is he a member of your congregation?'
'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'
Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Jesus was wandering around Jerusalem when he decided that he really needed a new robe.
After looking around for a while, he saw a sign for Finkelstein, the Tailor..
So, he went in and made the necessary arrangements to have Finkelstein prepare a new robe for him. A few days later, when the robe was finished, Jesus tried it on -- and it was a perfect fit!
He asked how much he owed.
Finkelstein brushed him off: "No, no, no, for the Son of God there's no charge!
However, may I ask for a small favor. Whenever you give a sermon, perhaps you could just mention that your nice new robe was made by Finkelstein, the Tailor?"
Jesus readily agreed and as promised, extolled the virtues of his Finkelstein robe whenever he spoke to the masses.
A few months later, while Jesus was again walking through Jerusalem, he happened to walk past Finkelstein's shop and noted a huge line of people waiting for Finkelstein's robes.
He pushed his way through the crowd to speak to him and as soon as Finkelstein spotted him he said: "Jesus, Jesus, look what you've done for my business!
Would you consider a partnership?"
"Certainly," replied Jesus.
"Jesus & Finkelstein it is."
"Oh, no, no," said Finkelstein.
"Finkelstein & Jesus.
After all, I am the craftsman."
The two of them debated this for some time.
Their discussion was long and spirited, but ultimately fruitful -- and they finally came up with a mutually acceptable compromise.. A few days later, the new sign went up over Finkelstein's shop:
Lord and Taylor
It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are gathering up all of the firewood'
The stock boy answered, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
Martha had a parrot called Brutus, the only problem was that Brutus cussed something awful. Now Martha was having her in-laws over for Thanksgiving, and so she needed to train Brutus quickly not to swear.
Just before her Mother-in-law was due Brutus cussed terribly, so Martha but him in the freezer for 2 minutes to literally cool off. Then she opened the door and took out the parrot along with the turkey.
'And have you learned your lesson about cussing?' Martha asked the parrot.
Brutus the parrot took one look at the dead turkey and said: 'I sure have. But I have one I have a question, "What did the turkey do?" '
An industrious turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding, his mission was to produce the perfect turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone.
After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store. 'Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has six legs!' They all asked the farmer how it tasted.
'I don't know, 'said the farmer, 'I never could catch it!'
Aunt Nellie's Turkey Recipe:
WISDOM FROM AN OL’ COUNTRY BOY:
"Life is simpler when you plow around the stump."
"A bumble bee is considerably faster than a Massey Ferguson tractor."
"Words that soak into your ears are whispered.......not yelled."
"Meanness don't just happen overnight."
"Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads."
"Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you."
"It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge."
"You cannot unsay a cruel word."
"Every path has a few puddles."
"When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty."
"The best sermons are lived, not preached."
"Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway."
"Don 't judge folks by their relatives.
"Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer."
"Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time."
"Don 't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none."
"Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance."
"If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'."
"Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.”
"The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
"Always drink upstream from the herd."
"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment."
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in."
"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around."
"Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God."
Father O'Malley was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'
'Only water', replied Father O'Malley.
The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'
The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'
Adam blamed Eve,
Eve blamed the snake,
The snake didn’t have a leg to stand on.
Sally Winters wanted to earn some money so she applied for a job in a Florida lemon grove which seemed eminently suitable but Sally was concerned that she might be over qualified for the job.
'Look Miss Winters,' said Archie, the foreman, 'have you any actual experience in picking lemons?' 'Well, as a matter of fact, yes,' came Sally's reply and she added confidently, 'I've been divorced three times.'
A Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech. The key feature is that the final words make the listener reinterpret the first part of the sentence.
Here are a few:
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
• Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back!
• Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
• I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
• When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
•You're never too old to learn something stupid.
•To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
•Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
•A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
•Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
•Quicksand only works slowly.
• The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit, wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
• Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
• To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
• A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
•How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
•A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
•Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but they have to check when you say the paint is wet?
A boy asks his father to use the car and the father replies "No, not until you cut your hair!".
The boy replies "But father...Jesus had long hair!"
To which his father says, "Yeah, but Jesus walked everywhere."
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C.After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community."
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country."
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
SIGNS POSTED OUTSIDE CHURCHES:
No God-No Peace. Know God-Know Peace."
"Free Trip to heaven. Details Inside!"
"Try our Sundays. They are better than Baskin-Robbins."
"Searching for a new look? Have your faith lifted here!"
When the restaurant next to the Lutheran Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, "Open Sundays," the church reciprocated with its own message: "We are open on Sundays, too."
"Have trouble sleeping? We have sermons-come hear one!"
"God so loved the world that He did not send a committee."
"Come in and pray today. Beat the Christmas rush!"
"When down in the mouth, remember Jonah. He came out alright."
"Sign broken. Message inside this Sunday."
"Fight truth decay-study the Bible daily."
"How will you spend eternity-Smoking or Non-smoking?"
"Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world."
"Our arms are the only ones God has to hug His children."
"Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church."
"If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns."
"This is a ch_ _ ch. What is missing?" ---> (U R)
"Forbidden fruit creates many jams."
"In the dark? Follow the Son."
"Running low on faith? Stop in for a fill-up."
"If you can't sleep, don't count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd."
A guy is 75 years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
'Pick me up.'
He looked around and couldn't see anyone.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
'Pick me up.'
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.'
Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'
The man looked at the frog for a short time,
reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket.
The frog said, 'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
'Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.'
***With age comes wisdom.***
A couple were both 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to live a good life because they watched their pennies.
Though not young as they would like, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise during the last several decades.
One day, their good health could not save them, when they went on a rare vacation and they were both killed in a terrible auto accident, sending them off to Heaven.
As they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."
The old man aske